Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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