woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
