watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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