Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
