i jhust puked up my retainher.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
