So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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