i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
