U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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