he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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