R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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