I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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