Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
