I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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