It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
