Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize