i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think I sprained my soul last night
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
