Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
