Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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