Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
