He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
