forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
