Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize