There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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