All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
