im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
