Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
lol hangovers are for mortals.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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