she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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