i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We need to feng shui this bitch.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
