i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
