apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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