Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My bed smells like the plague
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
