oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
