If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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