i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Enjoy the penises
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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