How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
