I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
