Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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