Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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