So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
