I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
