4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
