And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
