He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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