At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
They took my balls.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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