We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
