even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
