Jerry, you need to find god
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
