my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
