I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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