i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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