My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
