my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
