Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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