It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
