The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
