I molested 6 butterflies tonight
why do cheetos always look like penises
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
