Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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