Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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