So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Randomize
