Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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