i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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