But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
