not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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